I've been asking God to help me in my personal relationships. For a while now, I've been wanting to spend time alone with Jesus--- only Jesus. I started to resent the time I'd have to spend with others, regardless of how much I love them. I couldn't help thinking that they were taking away from my time with Jesus!
I realized how selfish this sounds, so I forced a smile, tried to cleanse my body of discontent, and prayed for God to expand my heart and re-grow my desire to invest in particular relationships. All this culminated yesterday, when God ended up severing two relationships that were especially precious to me - one with a best friend, another with a boyfriend. Perhaps "sever" is too dramatic a word, but it feels like He inserted oceans between them and me.
Now, I feel strangely ALONE.
I know, be careful of what you wish for, right?
But the funny thing is that I'm okay with it.
"BRANCHES WERE BROKEN OFF SO THAT I COULD BE GRAFTED IN." Perhaps I'm manipulating scripture, but I feel like my bonds with these two people were "broken off" so that God himself could be grafted into my life.
God is love, and love is boundless, so I pray they know how much I care about them.
I know that I get easily caught up in other people and other endeavors, so I think this experience is God's way of reminding me of how much room in my life He needs. So if you're dealing with loss, I hope this entry is yet another reminder that God is our first love.
I pray that when the time is right, He will bridge our broken bonds in an unbelievably powerful way!
**This poem was inspired by the view from Spitting Caves, where I found peace in the wee hours of Saturday, before saying goodbye to 2 people who mean the world to me.
On the fringe of the island,
I breathe in the white mist,
my damp skin catches the salt.
The sea caves sneeze,
Bless you, I whisper to the tide,
but it's already running toward the horizon.
Only the sticky foam remains,
a lace skirt clinging to the water's thinning waist,
it churns violently
like cobwebs in a strong night wind,
piecing together the mysterious tangents
of a deep, black world.
The air is warm,
a restless breeze pushes aside a blanket of clouds,
revealing a moon round and full.
Its naked light casts midnight shadows.
I see mine, it dives unafraid
off the moist, jagged edge,
where an ancient lava flow
has come to an abrupt end.
It's your turn to let go,
the tide says as it returns.
1 comment:
Kacie,
We don't know each other, but I know some of the other brothers and sisters here. I have been reading though, and have read every single post you have ever written here.
Watching you grow and blossom in Christ is exciting, and I know it's not just myself that feels this way. Some of us feel weary, having walked this path and fought this spiritual war for so long we've lost the beauty and joy that is truly the Love of Christ. And watching you is like watching a flower go from new sprout to bud, to fresh blossom. It reminds us of the Truth, in light of the dark world around us.
Some hard-liners would say that you've abandoned these two, and that if you Loved them as Christ Loves, you would have stuck around to be a witness in their lives. I don't believe this though, because God works an incredibly complex series of machinations that interlock and intertwine in the lives of all humankind; with power, grace and mercy beyond what we can ask or imagine.
There are times in our lives when we MUST be removed from a situation by Divine intervention because our being in that situation may not be ideal for our growth and His plan. Perhaps you're not at a place where you can do His work most effectively, and God needs to "prune" you away and grow you in isolated, specialized care, before re-inserting you to do His work, fully armed and fully prepared.
In my own life, God had to destroy my life completely to rebuild me the way He wanted to. It's what happens when we make a true commitment to Him, to have Him as our One and Only -- not only our "First" Love, but LOVE period (where all other Love is focused through you by Him, like a lens, to everybody who will accept it). I lost everything -- friends, family, business, and was left with nothing but Him.
The "temple" I had built in my life before was destroyed and (interesting I'm posting this on Easter) rebuilt in Him. Sometimes, the destruction and severing of everything is what He knows we need to go through to fully grow in Him. Remember this though, in these times you will feel sad and alone in the loss, but know His Love and remember that you who live in His purpose... He never seeks to harm you, only to prosper you, and through His plan for you, seeks to deliver you the greatest good -- not only for yourself, but for your Loved ones, whose salvation and Love He will work on through you, when He is ready to return you to the field.
He may be removing you from them for greater plans later; remember, for He so Loved the world that two thousand years ago, He gave His only begotten Son, so that we would not perish but have eternal life. Theologically, in the context that John writes, he's not talking about rocks and trees and dirt. He's talking about the "world" that is diametrically opposed to God. He Loves the two "of the world" you have been severed from, and He seeks to save them as well. In His time. By His means.
You are Loved, Kacie. And you are not alone. May you find peace and grace in the Love of our Lord Christ Jesus on this day of His glorious resurrection, and may His Love comfort you and guide you in these difficult times. Rise, sister, as He is risen.
-- An anonymous brother in Christ and soldier of the army of God.
Post a Comment