I've been a bit quiet on the blogfront. I just haven't been in the mood to talk about what God's been doing in my life, mostly because I've been having a hard time discerning God's voice from mine. So stupid, huh? I doubt my giggly girly voice is anything like God's, and yet, the question that constantly pops up is: Is it him or is it me?
I'm beginning to sort things out, and I'm also realizing that my questions are too big to keep to myself. :P
This is my senior year at UH, and it's a pretty confusing time for my classmates and me; it's a time to make some pretty big choices. My decision:
I applied for the Peace Corps.
Whether I'm accepted or not is up to the Lord... I have my interview soon, and if that goes well, then a very comprehensive health examination that will take months to complete. So even though I don't know if I'll get into the program, I do know that it's what I really, really want.
I've been afraid to tell fellow Christians about this decision because I was afraid of being asked questions like: Why not do a mission? Why not join a Christian organization? Why not do something Spirit-led?
These were the questions I feared.
Sure, one day I'd like to go abroad for the sole purpose of spreading the gospel, but not now.
I just want to get away, go to another country, take on a humble yet important job, help people and even more, help myself. I want to remove myself from everything familiar to pray and contemplate in the unfamiliar . I want to get to know myself - my strengths, my weaknesses, and mostly, my limits. I want to be pushed and tested, and I want to come out with a clearer idea of who God's made me to be. Then I'll go back to school.
That's my plan. Doesn't sound very Christian, huh? I know, it's completely selfish (I want, I want, I want) -- too selfish for a Christian organization. That's just one of several reasons I actually like the fact that it's a government-run program.
But the funny thing is that the more I pray about it, the more I become convinced that God is supportive of what I want. I'm aware of how likely it is that my stubbornness is keeping me from hearing God in truth, but another part of me believes that no matter what, he won't abandon me. He'll never, ever let go.
Wherever the Peace Corps puts me (if I'm accepted) God is already there. It's just a different environment and capacity in which I can try my best to love others. At the very least, I have peace about that.
But still, I'm wrestling with bigger questions:
Is it better to wait until God tells you what action to take? Or do you propose an action to God?
Is it really possible to get past your own desires? I suppose everything's possible, but what kind of faith does that take?
And this whole "dying to yourself" thing -- does it mean that I should always put aside my desires? Does obedience involve fighting off every desire? Are all of my desires out of line with God's?
While I appreciate the fact that God doesn't operate within the constraints of a formula, sometimes I just wish I was a little better at figuring him out!
- kacie
7 comments:
Kacie,
Papa God is interested in the things that interest you... He wants there to be joy in your life and if every Christian was in church ministry than who would walk as a light to others in the world beyond "the church"?
Just being the Kacie we love and appreciate will be enough for people you come in contact with through your adventures in the Peace Corps, to come to know Christ...it's in simple living, it's in being real in the world YOU live in, it's being Kacie in the Peace Corps.
Have a wonderful time in this GREAT ADVNTURE...take lots of pictures, and be our special blogger on assignment!
GOD ROCKS the world through YOU!
K
Hey, Kacie. I don't think what you are going through is all that unusual (well, except for your incredible heart that shines through it all) and it is certainly not wrong.
I was one of those who suggested a Christian organization, but that was only to help provide you with a good support system as you step into the new. Certainly not a requirement. If you will let us, we can try to be your support system! :-)
We are called to do 2 things. Love God. Love Others. If love is what is prompting you, I am pretty sure God is in it. It is when fear drives us that we must watch out! (At least for me.)
As for our will verses Gods, here is my 2 cents. God knows our hearts. He knows what will truly bring us satisfaction - something that we, ourselves, do not always know. I think this is why sometimes, initially, our plans may seem different from God's. Always, I have found God's to be more satisfying than I ever dreamed.
Could God tell you to go to the Peace Corp instead of a Christian organization. Oh, yeah. And if He calls you there, He will provide exactly what you need.
On the other hand, if God does not feel this is right, He is perfectly capable of stepping in and changing your direction. He knows your heart and is not into weird games where we have to struggle with riddles over what He might want us to do. His love and "parenting skills" are much larger than that.
I know this is way long. Sorry. But know that I believe in you and in God's ability to lead you. He woos us, Kacie. Love you! - jh
You already lead you life like a mission, who cares whether it is organizational or personal, Federal or international...
i guess we all are different, with
different gifts.
There is no limitation in God.
I trust your decision!
Go Kacie! ...
=D
lulu
Awesome! I remember watching a Peace Corps commercial when I was a kid in middle school... ever since I've wanted to join them. As far as acting or hearing first, I usually act - God knows that and he re-directs me when necessary.
Exctiting times! :) Keep us posted on how the iterviewing process goes.
-V
Sounds like you are hearing God loud and clear with the best possible instrument - your heart. You have a heart for God's children in the world, and God is totally into that, and thus into YOU and YOUR heart's desires! Stepping out and taking a faith risk on something we have a heart for, knowing we will need God's help to make it work, is never wrong; even if it doesn't work out like we planned, God will still meet us there and use it somehow. He gave us free will after all! I think God is totally stoked right about now with you!
Love,
Mich
Wow, thanks! I can't tell you how blessed and encouraged I am by your support and words of wisdom. You folks are my rolemodels =)
K-Man: Thanks for reminding me about Papa God's character. It seems so obvious that God would be into what we're into, yet in my worrying I lost sight of that truth. Thank you! :)
Jeannie: Don't worry, I appreciate you asking me about doing a Christian mission. It got me to stop and think about my aims and reasons. And I really appreciate your wisdom. It's so comforting to know that I can trust that God knows my heart!!
Liu Liu: You're right! You know... I think I was putting God in a box. Thanks, jie jie!!
Vern: No wonder you accomplish so much. You're an inspiration! I'll definitely keep you guys posted!
Michelle: I can't tell you how much your comment means to me. I was really bummed because I was convinced that my heart was contradicting God's. Thank you for the encouragement!
Even in your questioning it sounds like there is some clarity (or maybe it's just you write so well) I can't tell exactly what but somehow in our pursuit of finding His will it's always gets murked up somehow but. I was just reminded of something Jordan said in his sermon this week..something like this..(i may be misquoting i was trying to write fast).
If you believe God but do not trust Him it may be a formula for anxiety? I was thinking about a decision i need to make so this spoke to me. anyways, i'm kinda blabbin. just wanted to share some thoughts.
p.s. my friend was in the peace corps, she had some cool stories.
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